Stop Rescuing Your Kids: The Mindset Shift Every Parent Needs

What if the greatest act of love isn't doing more for your children—but trusting them to do more for themselves?

In Part 1 of this powerful two-part episode of Mindset Mastery Moments, Dr. Alisa Whyte sits down with certified life coach and parenting confidence coach Randi Crawford to challenge one of the biggest myths in modern parenting.

Together, they unpack why overprotecting children may actually be limiting their confidence, resilience, and ability to navigate life's inevitable challenges. Randi shares how years of coaching young women led her to an unexpected discovery: many of the struggles teenagers and young adults face begin long before adulthood—in the parenting patterns developed at home.

What We Discuss

Dr. Alisa and Randi dive into the root causes behind the modern youth confidence crisis and provide actionable solutions for parents:

• Social Media & Self-Worth: Navigating the subtle psychological impacts of digital culture on today's youth.
• Competence Over Compliments: Why genuine life skills build long-term self-belief far better than superficial praise.
• Preparing vs. Rescuing: How to step back from overprotective habits so your children can build real resilience.
• The Root of Modern Anxiety: Uncovering how well-meaning parenting styles can unintentionally hold children back from independence.

If you've ever wondered whether you're helping your child—or unintentionally holding them back—this episode will challenge your thinking and transform the way you parent, lead, and love.

Connect with Randi Crawford

• Official Website: Randi Crawford Coaching
• Instagram: @randicrawfordcoaching
• TikTok: @randicrawfordcoaching

"True confidence isn't built on compliments. It is forged through competence, resilience, and the trust you place in your children to handle life's challenges."

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:00

There was a study that found anxiety among young adults has increased dramatically over the past two decades, while resilience and confidence have declined. Many experts believe one of the contributing factors, but sometimes we protect too much. Confidence does not come from someone constantly telling you that you're amazing. Confidence comes from surviving something you weren't sure you could survive. It comes from trying and failing, trying again and then figuring it out. That's true leadership. It's true in business, it's true in healing, and it's absolutely true in parenting. One of the greatest gifts we can give the people we love is the opportunity to become who they were created to be, even if that journey includes a bit of struggle. Because struggle isn't always the enemy, sometimes struggle is the teacher.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Welcome to Mindset Mastery Moments, the best growth mindset podcast, recognized by million podcasts and ranked as a top mindset podcast by Feed Spot. We're proud to be in the top 1% on listen notes. Join Dr. Alyssa White as we explore powerful insights and strategies to elevate your mindset. Let's dive in. Alright, Disruptors, let me ask you something.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

When did love become doing everything for someone? Like, no, seriously. When did we start believing that the more we rescue people, the more we love them? Because somewhere along the way, we've confused support with saving. We've become that generation that clears every obstacle, solves every problem, answers every text immediately, negotiates every conflict, and somehow calls that good parenting? Hmm. But here's the question. If we're always carrying our children, when do they learn they can carry themselves? There was a study that found anxiety among young adults has increased dramatically over the past two decades, while resilience and confidence have declined. Many experts believe one of the contributing factors isn't that parents love too little, but sometimes we protect too much. Confidence does not come from someone constantly telling you that you're amazing. Confidence comes from surviving something you weren't sure you could survive. It comes from trying and failing, trying again and then figuring it out. That's true leadership. It's true in business, it's true in healing, and it's absolutely true in parenting. Today's conversation isn't really about raising teenagers, it's about raising adults. It's about learning that one of the greatest gifts we can give the people we love is the opportunity to become who they were created to be. Even if that journey includes a bit of struggle. Because struggle isn't always the enemy. Sometimes struggle is the teacher. Let's get into it. Well, disruptors today's guest is someone who isn't afraid to challenge the way we think. Yeah, she's quite the disruptor herself. She's a certified life coach who helps parents stop overfunctioning so their children can become confident, resilient, independent adults. I didn't say kids, remember, I said adults. Through coaching, speaking, and her work with thousands of parents, she teaches something many of us desperately need to hear. Sometimes loving more means doing less. Please help us welcome to the Mindset Mastery Moments stage. The brave and disruptive Randy Crawford. Randy, welcome to Mindset Mastery Moments. Tell us who you are, what you do, and how did you get started doing this?

SPEAKER_00 4:16

I mean, well, thank you so much for having me. I almost feel like I don't even need to say anything because what you said just encapsulates everything and then some. So, and you know, it's very funny. I'm gonna tell you before I tell you who I am. I was on a really well-known podcast about six months ago, and this doctor, when I made the comment that we can't constantly praise our kids into confidence, she was very upset by that. So I kept talking and she stopped and she told her audience, I want you to be know that I do not agree with Randy on this point. And I said, and she loved it because she said it's good to disagree, to agree to disagree, but but I believe very strongly that we cannot just hand out confidence. I wish we could, I wish it were that easy.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

And what I tell them I'm gonna be good to go with it overconfident and doing great, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:13

I'm amazing. You're amazing, you're beautiful, right? And it doesn't work that way. No, it really doesn't work that way. So I loved hearing your whole intro to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_02 5:24

But yeah, no, I believe it 100%, every word I said. So we're gonna have fun.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

And I could feel that. I was just like, I don't even think I need to say much because everything you said really touches on exactly how I feel. Yeah, I live in San Diego and I got certified through the J Shetty program.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

San Diego, let's just say beautiful San Diego, yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Well, I mean, I'm gonna say this much. I have two kids in New York and you know, other parts of the country where it is sweltering hot right now. So I will never complain about where I live ever again because it is really boiling in other parts of the country right now. So there is that. But yeah, so I got certified through J Chevy, and honestly, I thought I was gonna hang a shingle, and I really thought that the main person or people I was going to work with were women my age, because I used to be the co-founder of a public health care company for menopausal women, and I was like, I know this woman, I know her, she knows me, let's go. But she started calling me to work with her daughter. And I love a pivot. Who doesn't love a pivot? And I love, you know, I love working with kids. Obviously, there's nothing that makes me feel better because it is so hard to grow up, especially here in SoCal. That's pretty tough to do. So I started working with the girls, but at the same time, I started giving a lot of talks around San Diego to parents. And while I was giving these talks to parents, it became really clear to me, especially when we talked about building confidence, that a lot of the reasons that I'm working with these girls and that they're having the issues that they're having is because of the way that they're parented. And I'm not trying to put blame on parents, and I'm certainly not judging parents, but I'm saying because of everything that you said in your intro, this love that we have and us just wanting to hold them. And, you know, women will say I would shove them back into my uterus if I could, you know. I get it, I get it, I get it, but we can't do that. And every time we jump in to save our kids, we are really robbing them of the ability to handle adversity and problem solve and build confidence. It's almost like going to the gym and building a muscle. We're robbing them of the ability to build that muscle. And so I realized I love working with the girls, but I also have to work with the moms as well.

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Absolutely. That is I'm so glad you brought us back through that journey because I wanted to let our listeners and viewers know a little bit about your journey because I think you know, purpose usually leaves breadcrumbs long before it becomes a business. Was there something in your own childhood or maybe even in your early adult life that may have planted the seed that you are now? I would say more or less sowing and reaping a harvest from in your work as a a uh coach.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

For sure. I grew up and I talked about this, I gave a TEDx talk, and it was an online one during COVID, but it's called From Panic to Purpose. And the whole talk yeah, I mean, exactly what you're saying, right? The whole purpose of that talk was that I actually had panic disorder before panic disorder was ever, there was no diagnosis for it. So nobody knew what I was experiencing when I was growing up. I just had these episodes that were really weird, and I just would wig out, and nobody knew how to help me or what to do. So I went to the Mayo Clinic. I mean, I went all over the country, and doctors met with me and never gave me a diagnosis. So here I am in my 20s now, and I'll never forget this ever. The internet is sort of new at this time. And my dad calls me and he had read an article, you know, on the line on the website, and it's this thing called panic disorder, and it's exactly what I have. And it was this really wild moment that the two of us came together and were like, my goodness, I have panic disorder. There's a name for it. I'm not the only one that has it, you know, and and just to get that understanding was so massive. So, yes, have I always been fascinated with our brain and how it works? Because my panic disorder through certain, let's just say, some traumatic events in my life really held me back. And I didn't know how to get through it until a nurse basically used to talk therapy and talked me through it. And I was then just hooked. Like our brain and our mindset and the way that that this all works together, our body and our mind, it's it's just fascinating. There's way too many stories I could tell, but ultimately my whole career has been in working with women. I started out doing a company for menopausal women, then I wrote an article in the newspaper for women, and now I'm coaching women. So, like there's a pattern to what I've done, but the reason goes all the way back to I grew up with this thing, and it's debilitating when you have any type of mental health disorder, especially when nobody can tell you what is wrong with you, but you know something isn't right. So this field has always just fascinated me.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

Yes, and that fascinates me too, because we often think the child is the client in our work. And but sometimes the family system is the client. And that's where when you this like you shared earlier, you started off coaching young women who were navigating college, adulthood, loneliness, and pressure from social media, but you listened and you realized that many of their struggles trace back to those patterns in the home. That had to be a huge high light bulb moment. Tell us about that discovery and how the two were linked. What's happening at home and the patterns they had or maybe their parents had and the struggles they were, you know, you were helping them to overcome. And how did you put the two together and bridge the gap?

SPEAKER_00 11:38

I'll tell you, it's really interesting. Because when I first started, I'll be honest with you, I it was hard for me almost to not cry while I was on the phone with these girls because I just would feel so deeply for them because they would tell me things that I mean, I would literally bite the inside of my cheek so hard so that I would just stay in the moment and not get emotional with them. But it was apparent immediately, because here's how it always works the the girls never find me. A mom will find me. So people ask all the time, well, why don't you talk about dads? I love dads, and I've written a book that hopefully, you know, in the next who knows when it will be out. But, you know, my dad is my inspiration. I'm very, very close with my father. But generally speaking, a mom is the one who calls me and says, Randy, my daughter, X, Y, and Z. And she'll lay out a whole scenario of why her daughter needs to work with me. And I'll say, Okay, but I'm not gonna work with your daughter until her and I talk and she decides, yes, I want to work with Randy or I don't. And then I'll get on that call with that girl, and she will come into me with a completely different narrative than what her mother has told me. So, I mean, this happened from the beginning. So the mom is like Randy, brrrrr. And then the daughter like gets on the phone and she tells me a whole nother thing that's really upsetting her. And I would sit and I would listen, and I would think, I'm confused, like, where is the communication between these two? They live in the same home. How can this girl be crying about this to me on the phone? But her mom, like, thinks she's upset because she didn't get this D1 offer, let's just say, to be on a softball team, when that had nothing to do with it. The girl couldn't even care less about getting an offer to play softball. So this was happening all the time with the parents and these girls I would work with. And then when I was giving talks, just the questions that the moms would ask me while I was giving a talk told me that basically so much love for their daughters. So I'm just gonna say that from the get-go. None of this is with bad intent at all. But it's like from a very young age, we feel like we're older and we know better and we can do better and we can do it faster. We've been there, we've done that. Therefore, as a parent, what we do is we take away their ability to make any choices growing up. It's like, well, this is the good team. I'm gonna put you on that team. This is the good teacher that's gonna get you into this AP class, I'm gonna get you into this class. This is the coach you want. This is, you know, and the constant, constant maneuvering to make everything work out for your child. And then that child is sent to college to adult and has no idea how to figure out how to order lunch that afternoon. That's not that crazy.

SPEAKER_02 14:23

Right. Wow, it's not, it's not, and I love that you said, and this is something I deal with in my work with youth as well, is when I'm dealing with parents or guardians that think they know exactly why that child should work with me. And then that child is like, Who are you again? And why are we seeing each other? And then I always say, Well, here's what I do. Is there anything from the bevy of the things I do that you think may be useful? Well, I'm kind of curious about this. I'm like, Well, let's not think about what we're gonna do and if we're gonna do anything. How about we just have a chat and you share some of the things that you're working on right now, especially ones that you might feel you need support on. And then you're like, This parent has no clue what's going on with this kiddo, this this guardian, this you know. So let's talk about that big word that you we talked about. You mentioned so much. We wish we had a stamp or a software download to put in our kids and even adults sometimes. Let's talk about confidence because confidence is one of those words everybody uses, but very few people actually define it correctly. One thing you say really stood out to me, Randy. You say confidence isn't built through compliments, it's built through competence. Yes, that is such a mindset shift. Can you explain that for us?

SPEAKER_00 17:01

100%. You know, one thing that we are very uncomfortable with as a society is discomfort. We don't like it. We don't want to be uncomfortable, we don't want to get a failing grade, we don't want to be on a losing team. Like, not only do we not like it, we won't allow it. But what nobody understands is that those losses, those losses for that team mean everything because then when that kiddo gets out there and works their tail feathers off and experiences a win, mom didn't give them the win, dad didn't give them the win, whoever's living in that home didn't give them the win, they got the win. And that right there is how that child or that young adult builds confidence. It's when they figure, and by the way, I tell this to all my clients small wins, a bunch of small wins add up, and the more small wins that they have, they start to equal bigger wins. And the bigger the win, the more confidence, and the more they're gonna try things and realize it's okay if I walk in and I'm not the best one in the room. Or it's okay if I try this and I've never done it before and I have no idea if I'm gonna be any good at it. Because if they enjoy it, what are they gonna do? They're gonna go back and they're gonna work hard and they are gonna earn that win. They are gonna own that win. And that right there is how your kid is gonna build confidence. So giving them material gifts, no. Telling them all the time, you're the best, you're so good, you're so beautiful, you're such a hard worker, you're such a little good boy or a good little girl. Mommy and daddy are always gonna say that. We're always gonna think our kid is great and wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

They start to look at you as a fraud when they realize the world tells them something different about exactly what they do at home.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Just be that well, when they don't make the team, right? Mommy says you're so good, but then they go out and they don't make the team. Why do you think that's the way that's when they go out and they work, they they throw a lacrosse stick or they tumble to make that cheer team, and then they make the team. That right there is when and how they will build the confidence. So compliments do not equal confidence, but competence equals confidence.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

That is exactly what I'm I'm what that's what I'm talking about. And I I cannot stress wherever we are guiding youth, no matter if they are zero like day one old or 21 years old, we need to help youths build competence first, belief in themselves, knowing I can. If we don't do that, it's boy. This is why I joke and I say it all the time. I keep saying I'm building an underground bungalow because the the youth we have today and the way they spaz over things not working and s and they have no inclination of how to pivot scares the crap out of me. But guess what, Randy? I'm not gonna build the underground bungalow just because I will continue to build those bridges where we can meet people and help them with this. This is so important, the work you're doing. So one of the things I meet adults every single week, business owners, leaders, executives who still don't believe in themselves. And I wonder does confidence ever come from someone else's words, or does it only come after we've done something difficult? What that's what I I hear you answering that. It's it's really when we can see we can, we're capable, right? Is what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

First of all, words do matter. So I like that question. I mean, I I'm not gonna sit here and say words don't matter, they do. So if a non-family member, somebody who is not invested in the outcome, says to you, like you're doing a really good job, that would make I think that that would make anyone feel good, right? So if somebody recognizes that you're putting in the work or that you're really trying hard and you're giving it best effort, and it's not your mom or your dad, certainly that's gonna make you feel good. But our goal so strongly right now as parents is to help our kids build their self-esteem. Because look, the the thing, the elephant in the room that we haven't even brought up is social media. And that right there is such a confidence killer, it's almost, it's just almost impossible to put in words. It can't be large enough because they scroll and then they doom scroll, and then they start to see all these kids that are so good at everything, and then they start to build a narrative that they are never going to be that good. So why should they even try? And then they have this whole thing with learned helplessness. So it's like, you know what? It's so true when they say, just put down your phones, just put them down for a few minutes, stop looking at what everybody else is doing and start doing for yourself. And that that is the role of the parent to really help. That's where the parent does need to step in. And that is how we can help our kids build their self-esteem is by, you know, really insisting that they that they try new things, that they are not in their rooms on their phones 24 hours a day, because that will never, never help a healthy kid stay healthy, or even it will take the confidence away from an already competent kid, because you can guarantee you can go on social media and find somebody doing something that you do better, and they look better, and they look smarter, and they've got all the things when you and me know that's all a lie, it's all filters, but that doesn't matter to them. They see and their brain takes it in, and that right there is just like you're already starting several steps behind.

SPEAKER_02 22:46

Yeah. I feel like it's it's almost like we're accidentally stealing confidence from our children by removing those difficult experiences and trying to shelter them through instead of guiding them through the difficulty. But let's talk about something because I want to challenge. Something parents today, especially mothers, they carry so much guilt that they think if my child struggles, then maybe I failed. Where did we learn that?

SPEAKER_00 23:14

Okay, well, I have a theory about this actually. I really do. I believe it goes back to the late 70s when uh when Ethan Potts was was abducted. And I've at that time what happened was the ads on TV, everything coming at us, and obviously it wasn't news 24-7, but all the messages coming at parents after that very highly publicized situation was if you love your kids, the more you love them, the more you're gonna protect them. That was a message, a very constant message throughout the 80s. So you had parents that it was like, well, the more I, you know, so at that time it was much less than what it is today, but the pendulum just kept swinging. So like I love my kids, I'm gonna protect my kids. And then that slowly evolved into I love them so much, I'm gonna put them on Life 360 and know everything about where they are and how fast the car is that they're driving. I'm gonna micromanage their grades and check that app online to see that they have all A pluses. I'm gonna read their texts, I'm gonna get an app on my phone. So so we literally went from the more you love, the more you protect. And that was one message, and it just kept the needle kept moving. So today we are at a point where technology has allowed us. I mean, I can't tell you how many people I argue with over this Life 360. It's an app where you literally cannot just see where your child is, but if they're in a car, you can see how fast the car is going. I mean, it's it's no, it's a very this this app is a very big thing that people here use, and they will argue with me and say, but Randy, you don't understand. What if my kid is in an accident? This can get the police to them within two seconds. And you know that because why? Because we are parenting from fear. That's a fear-based reaction, in my opinion. Right? So if you have the basic iPhone, it gives you a find friend, you have a general idea of where your child is. Do we really need to know, like that they just got in a car and how fast that car is driving? Because we know way too much right now. So now we have anxiety, we're giving our kids anxiety, and the whole thing is just absolutely it's it's gotten out of hand.

SPEAKER_02 25:30

Wow, that's wow, that's in for yeah, the the digital world definitely. I wanted to, I definitely wanted to talk about that. So you brought that up so clearly. Here's something that I want to ask you because today's kids are just they're just not comparing themselves to people at school anymore, like you and I did. They're comparing themselves to millions of strangers every day, like you said earlier, who are created, who are conjured up for their appeasement, for their amusement, and I hate to say for their comparison. How has that changed the emotional landscape for families today?

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Well, it's changed it's immeasurably. And I was giving talks literally 10 years ago saying this. It's interesting because it's not that I'm not a big statistics person, but I'm someone that just likes to look at life through the lens of common sense. And 10 years ago, common sense, right? I mean, do I need a statistic to tell me that anxiety, body, you know, image issues, suicide, suicidal ideation, that all of that has gone through the roof? No, we know that. And just ironically, that all happened around the same time that the iPhones came out and all the apps came out. So you have to, a common sense person would put two and two together and say, I don't need studies to tell me that a child doom scrolling on an app all day, every day, is giving my child issues. Now, obviously, you've heard about there have been several cases of parents suing Meta because their daughters started out, you know, looking up cute little recipes, and all of a sudden the recipes led to the images of the girls that basically don't eat, and then, you know, give them really sad and scary ideas about how to basically starve themselves. And so I think it's a really fascinating question to ask, right? Like, so is that the parents' fault for letting their 13-year-old be on a phone and be on an app that they shouldn't be on? Is that Meta's fault for allowing that content to be streamlined to that child? You know, I think that that's a really interesting answer. I personally I think both sides are a little bit culpable because that's where I am.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

I I believe because I mean the things I see on Meta or even X, I mean X at one point, and I mean, I hope they don't flag our content. I don't care, and we'll just take it out and put it back up. But I've seen content that's like, oh my gosh, is this really what we like? Do we really just have people walk out without any clothing on social media? Like, it is way too much for me as an adult.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Well, I'll tell you, I was just I just saw on the Today show the other day, so this is brand new information, and I was blown away because I don't deal much with Snapchat. I have a TikTok and an Instagram account. I'm not a snapper, but listen to this.

SPEAKER_02 28:37

I have one, I never use it. I don't want to add one.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

Well, we shouldn't use it. I'm gonna tell you why. This story is crazy. So they have these three adults, you know, people probably in their late 20s, early 30s, and they each set up like a fake account on Snapchat as an under 13-year-old for for the sake of research. And the interviewer asked them, so when you set up this account for and you said you're, you know, you're a 12-year-old basically, how soon was it before you started seeing images of drinking, nudity, violence, sex? So I'm gonna ask you, what do you think the answer is to how quickly they started seeing that imagery? A week or so? Under one minute. No, yes, it's on the today show. So my husband thought it was three days. I was telling him the other night because it gave me the chills. Within under one minute, every one of those accounts that were set up as 12-year-olds were shown images, and then they showed the images on the TV, and they're young kids partying, drinking alcohol, sexual stuff, violent guns. Now, how scary is that?

SPEAKER_02 29:41

Oh, and this is Snapchat? Yes, Snapchat. I don't I think the last time I saw Snapchat would have been maybe eight years ago, if that long. At least it will be six. It would be it definitely is pre-COVID that I saw I saw the app and I had it on my phone, but I didn't use it. I promise you I don't know. So I didn't realize you see it. I thought it was an app where you only see who you follow. Follow, I didn't realize it had streaming and uh like a timeline for you to see.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

I realized that, but I think like what a lot of parents think, or what the parents on the the the interview said, which is I mean, I know my kid uses Snapchat because they have these things called uh what are they called? It's when you don't break, it's when you guys Snapchat each other every a streak. They have streaks with their friends, and that's how they communicate with their friends. I I don't think anybody was aware that it could be so dangerous and just show you this content so quickly. And under one minute for all three of them. So yeah, so right. That's what we're dealing with, that's what parents are dealing with, and that's why parents have got to stop being their best friend, their kids' best friend, and have got to, for instance, at night take that phone out of the bedroom. Does your kid need a phone in the bedroom at night?

SPEAKER_02 31:00

No. It shouldn't, because anything that they're gonna get into at night is never safe. And I believe that these screens are not just stealing attention, sometimes they're actually stealing addition in addition to God, take taking those kids down a whole nother path, stealing conversations, stealing boredom. Like I want I tell and encourage youths to experience boredom. It's what they call boredom is what I call thinking time. And I'm not talking about meditation or stillness, I'm just talking just being with my damn self. That's boredom, and imagine that's what you define as boredom. If they don't have that phone or a video game or quote unquote somewhere to go, they are bored. No creativity, no discomfort, which in the end does not create or allow room for them to be confident or resilient.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Well, you see, that's the way we hear it today, though. That's how the parenting works, because when your kid is going through school, right, and they're going through all the grades, parents do this inherently. They're all listen, so parents are not immune to this. So parents are on their social media and they will see, you know, their friend is posting their children who are, you know, making touchdowns and getting home runs and shooting the winning baskets and whatever. So now they think, well, I probably should have my kid in sports 24-7, and maybe they should be on club teams traveling all summer. And so we have an environment where youth sports is no longer, it doesn't even resemble what it was when I grew up. I mean, I grew up a hundred years ago, but now it's so trifling. It's just unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

SPEAKER_02 32:57

I look, my niece plays varsity basketball, blah blah blah. She's doing amazing. She's in one of the top teams in the US. Um here in in Arizona, that's one of the top teams. And the pressure, I'm like, my girl is not even a kid anymore. I have questions, you know? And she does really well and she wants a career, but I'm like, where's the time for her to be a child? But you know what I find, Randy? She doesn't have as much time for social media. But still, there's there's bullying. Like, we caught on some, you know, not just kids. She had a bullying episode from an adult around the team, and she called it out. Thank God she's equipped. Her parents, we did an amazing job. She said, Can you please stop? Didn't stop. She says, I just want you to know you are on the border of bullying me, and I would really recommend that you stop. And so I was like, That's it. My my daughter, my device call her my daughter, my niece. She she spoke up. And how many young women and men do we know at 15 or even 16, 17, 18 would speak up to an adult who has some authority in their life and where they may end up or not, as far as that game, that would speak up. But I was so proud of her for saying that because that's the only way she got her to back off. And it was literally, it wasn't borderline, it was actually bullying.

SPEAKER_00 34:39

That's amazing. That's amazing because not a lot of young people would do that. That's you know, that's confrontation, and a lot of people are so afraid of confrontation, and you know, the bullying in person is one thing, the bullying online is a whole other ball of wax, and that just follows you everywhere. That doesn't go away, and that's just frightening.

SPEAKER_02 35:01

Yes. One kiddo threatened the entire team and got a gun because they were on live on Instagram body shaming her.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Oh my god, that's terrifying.

SPEAKER_02 35:12

And guess what? An adult was involved with the other teammates. Was that an adult that happened in our community here? That's unbelievable. I know. That's what catches me. So who's leading? It's like the blind's leading the blind in many situations. But here's something I've noticed, Randy. Parents are exhausted, kids are anxious, nobody feels connected anymore, yet everyone loves each other. How did we get here?

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Again, technology. Technology has taken us, it was supposed to bring people together, but it hasn't. It's like a perfect example is when we dropped our daughter off at college years ago. I'll never forget it. You know, when my husband and I went to college, you're moving in, all the doors are open, people are playing music in the rooms, you're walking in, you're high five, and you're meeting everybody. Let me tell you something, it's a whole new world now. Like you bring your kid to college, everyone's rooms, they all have locks on them, by the way. So when the door shuts, it locks automatically. So nobody's walking into your room like to say, hey, I'm Randy, I'm, you know, I'm your neighbor, I'm right next door. They so at one point I remember following, I was walking down the hall with my daughter, and the door was open next to her. And I immediately kind of just pushed my wind to say, Hi. Yeah, I just wanted to meet whoever was living next to her. And the both of the girls were in that room sitting on their beds, just staring down at their phones. Who does that on day one of moving into college? It's like nobody can put their phones down, and it's almost like they don't know how to communicate. So I want to say this though, because I'm not saying it's a generalization for everyone, but so on the weekends, because I love um, I I started doing this seven years ago, a little more now, and I work retail on the weekends, and I love it. One of the things I love about it, no one can believe I still do it, but it's like a girls' night out for me. It's really fun. And I work with all these young girls, and you meet so many people, and it's all women, right? I work at anthropology, and these young girls I work with are amazing. And it's like, think about this, they're all going to really good schools here in San Diego. They've got they're in sororities, they've got boyfriends, some of them play sports, and they're dealing with customers. And, you know, sometimes those customers are really nice, and sometimes they are not. And so I always think to myself, wow, I wish every single kid going into, you know, in high school or in college was made to get a part-time job a couple hours a week because there's just something so important about learning how to, you know, they can't have their phones on the floor, so no one's scrolling their phones. They're having to talk to customers, they're having to problem solve, you know, do conflict resolution. There's just so much involved in a part-time job. It's it's mind-boggling. Now, for me at my age, it's funny. I love talking to everyone, so I'll walk in up to anyone, even if they look like they're in a very cranky mood. And sometimes, you know, the girls will look at me like, is she crazy? But that's like that's what I can do. That's my wheelhouse. I'm terrible behind the cash register. They call it cash wrap. You wouldn't want me behind cash wrap, or the line would be like an hour long, but they're so good at that, right? That's what they can do really well.

SPEAKER_02 38:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:23

But, you know, so the ones that are out there working and doing it, I totally applaud them because they've got all these different things going on. And then there's a whole subset of very lonely kids. There's a loneliness epidemic right now, and they're lonely because they're on their phones watching everyone else live their lives while they're not, and it breaks my heart.

SPEAKER_02 38:43

Oh my gosh, it absolutely does. You know what keeps coming into my spirit, even as you spoke just now. There's a sentence that says, If I don't help them, who will? Parents say that all the time. How would you answer that?

SPEAKER_00 39:01

Well, I have a great story for you. You're just gonna love this one. So I do content on social media, and what I like to do is ask a question, and people people like to with very fiery and sassy answers, answer those questions, and everybody always has different answers. But there was one I did, and I mean this could have been eight months ago, but it still sticks in my brain because it's it's so insane to me, to me. A mom posted in one of those uh those community groups, you know, those big like mom parent groups of college kids. And she said in this question, her daughter goes to college two hours away. And the daughter emailed her and said, Mom, the hot water is out in my dorm. And the mom writes that she drove the two hours, picked up her daughter, brought her home, let her stay there for a couple days, and then brought her back. I was horrified by this, but I go to the comment. Horrified. Well, me too. So I go to the comment section because comments always are like where all the action is, right? And all the comments are supporting this decision. So now I'm even more flabbergasted. So I'm like, oh no, no, no, no. So I make a post about it. And I say, moms, I just I need to so I don't ever give my opinion because my opinion to me is irrelevant. I want to know how other people think. So I say, moms, I need to know. Your daughter goes to school two hours away, the shower's out. Like, are you are you driving basically four hours round trip to help her? And here was the number one thing people said, exactly what you just said. Verbatim. If I can they were so mad at me. They first of all they yelled at me and said things like, Who hurt you as a child? Or like you call yourself a life coach. What kind of life coach are you? Because you know what that number one question was. If I can't help my child, who will? And I'm like, okay, ladies, can we think about this for a minute? Who will? Who will? There's about 50 ways your daughter can get a shower, right? She can go to the gym, she can go to another dorm, she can find a friend back there. Like, let me count the ways. But the whole question was, why would I make my daughter take a cold shower when I could help her? If I won't help her, who will? And I found that so fascinating. And my eye, but they were and they were angry at me too, by the way. Very angry. How older these people?

SPEAKER_02 41:20

Because I would say there is a generation gap, and I'm not pointing fingers like all you people are da-da-da. There, but there's a consistent theme that I've observed. Like you said, there's I'm shorter stats. But I do my own statistical research. But the number of individuals that are about I am 45 years old, but a lot of people my age and younger who have children, because I got married what would have been 23 years ago. So I could have had a 22-year-old or 21-year-old at at this point, which they would have, you know. My point to that is I notice people from my generation and younger, that is our that is us. That's what we say. If I don't help them, who will? And it's absurd. And the answer is they will. They can help us. Exactly. And just my my my and this is I teach this in my leadership. If everything has to revolve around me, I am literally, this is I don't use the word fail, but I am failing miserably as a leader. And so when I think about leadership, leadership is empowering and equipping and multiplying other leaders, whether it's at home, at school, at play, at work, whatever it is you do. So if you're a parent, you're leading your kids, you've got to empower and equip and multiply leaders that are going to what I say exceed and outlast anything that you may have done on this earth, which in turn is what true legacy is. Legacy is not leaving a bunch of money and maybe even a bunch of degrees and accolades. It's when people are able to be better humans and make a bigger impact. So, my God, if you don't help your kid to be able to think, then who will? And when they can't figure it out, who will? Because you're not there. Because there are more moments once they get over a threshold that they will not even want you there. They won't. I mean, just think about it. Like, this is why so many parents now end up in conversations with me on the flip side to say, help me, because I have given everything to her. I I drove two hours to make sure she had a shower, and she won't let me come too. She won't let me, she wouldn't listen to me about this boy. She won't listen to me about this, you know, being in this club. Why wouldn't she listen to me? Because she knows you come in and you control the whole thing. And she doesn't, she has let you, but she don't want you to do this because this is so important to her. She'd rather mess it up herself versus letting you mess it up and having regret for the rest of her life. This is the problem. It bites your butt two ways: you driving four times back and forth, and later on when your child excludes you from big decisions like who they want to marry and even being at their wedding.

SPEAKER_00 44:34

Well, that's exactly you just said it. I mean, that's exactly it. The amount of parents that will say the comment to me, and I love this quote so much. Randy, how did we get here? And I mean, in my mind, my mind is going round and round, and I don't want to say, Well, how do you think we got here? I that's I don't say that because I think that that's very derogatory, but it's how I feel because how do you think we got here? I really because you ran and and got her some high. Water. I mean, I will tell you what's so funny about that hot water one. I even posted it on a I'm on a website with moms in England where I I mean, not like I think the Brits are cold, but I feel like they're just kind of tougher than us, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 45:16

And I'm like, okay, I think I'm from British, what was British Guyana, so I was raised that way.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

Well, let me tell you right now, the Brits didn't agree with me either. They were like, I'm 60 years old and I hate cold water. I would never put up with that. Why would I have my daughter? And I'm like, yeah, God, are you all gaslighting me? Isn't the whole internet gaslighting me right now? Because this is a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 45:38

That's why I called you disruptive. Because what you're saying is not being said enough. We have all of this, and I love this is what I love on my my guests. You listen to other episodes that aren't even about parenting. We don't, we're not picking on anyone, there's a place for everything, but the positive psychology fiesta that we have in this world now. And just this morning in my private leadership community, us leaders we were talking, and one of the Libers who leader leaders who served in the military at higher levels, she was sharing that recently the whole world about psychological safety has taken stepped into even the military training where if a trainee waves some kind of card, that means someone is stepping over their boundaries, you know, how they would drill them and yell and like that, they wave that card and the the officer, you know, sergeant has to has to back off. So she said, That's my issue. I am worried that we we have people who are going to think when they get into war that if they wave something that the adversary is going to be like, Oh yeah, we'll come back tomorrow. We won't blow you guys your platoon up today. Yeah, that's a problem. That's a problem. This is this is all coming down to what you've connected is you're talking to these young people who are struggling with this, this, this. And when you go back, it's the patterns in the home and in parenting patterns that has enabled. And so that has seeped into school because parents now demand that school teachers don't do, don't say, can't look, can't be, and and teachers don't even want to teach anymore because we know, and I say we because that's who what I was first, my first job, is a teacher. And I studied a psychology of child development and child psychology like nobody's business decades ago, and I understand that this crap, excuse my French, this crap is going to mess up us in a larger scale. And we are sweeping the awards already because I was talking about this when I was in my 20s in in meetings and in conversations and at teacher parenting converses that if we go this route, there's going to be hell to pay. And here we are. Here we are. Because here's the thing, and I'll drop the mic here, Randy. Because helping isn't always doing. Sometimes helping is believing, believing they can solve it, believing they can recover, and believing they can become, and just letting it be.

SPEAKER_00 48:23

Well, I love what you just said. I'm gonna tell you why. That's a mic drop. Do you have a mic drop, sound? Because that's a mic drop. What I love what you just said is, you know, when when our kids, I mean, I could talk about teachers forever. So my dad is from Boston, his whole family, we're all teachers, and what they're going through today, like I said, that one that's like a whole other episode. But the last thing you just said, it's so important because the minute that our kids think that we believe in them, all of a sudden they start to believe in themselves. So it's like this whole cycle of if every time they have a problem, we jump in and fix it. We're we're sending a silent message that I don't think you can handle it. I don't think you're gonna get on that team unless I make that call. I don't think you're gonna be able to get the extra credit unless I email the teacher. I don't think, I don't think. So by allowing them to do it, it just sends a little message. I believe in you. And that right there goes such a long way, and parents don't see it.

SPEAKER_02 49:24

They don't. Oh my goodness. I am so loving this. What an amazing segment. We went in, we went in, and when we come back, I want to talk about something that I believe is one of the biggest parenting traps of our generation the line between helping and enabling. Because I don't think most parents even realize when they've crossed it. Stay with us and we'll be right back.